Saturday, June 19, 2010

Back with a heavy heart

I know I haven't been blogging for a really long time and I swear that laziness is not just the core reason for me not to do so. Besides being really busy with studies, work and anything else, I don't really feel comfortable about the idea of publishing my thoughts and my everyday life encounters here, in a place where anyone can view much, anymore. Not, especially when things haven't really been going THAT smoothly for me nowadays.

I don't like the idea of being judged at, especially when people just don't even have the slightest idea of what exactly is going on, or worse. Some people think they really does know a lot, like everything. But seriously? You really think so? So before you do make any judgement, I suggest you just keep the comments to yourself before you make it clear to others how ignorant you can be. (:

I have been pretty pessimistic lately, reason being that the things that had been happening to me makes me the way I am now. Or perhaps, it has always been in me. Where did the bubbly me went to? Was that even the real personality of mine anyway? I don't even know it myself.

All these doubts and questions drowned me every day, every night and I started losing faith in this whole thing. Was this the right decision I made months ago that made me become what I am today? I want to believe that everything is beautiful and alright, but am I just trying too hard lying to myself? What was told to me, what was promised, were they just empty words and promises?

I hope that it is clearly understood that I need help, I can't be doing this alone if no help was offered. I feel that things are falling apart, I am falling apart.If still no actions other than myself is to be done, I don't know where this will be leading to.

I've changed, I know I did. For the better or for the worse? I have no idea anymore. Simply because things are not getting better when I actually did try to change for the better.

It takes two hands to clap. So what if I tried to change for the better when the other party is doing otherwise. I feel powerless and helpless whenever the message I tried to convey failed to be sent accordingly. I don't like and obviously not want to be taken for granted. I want to feel appreciated, not just by words, but by actions.

If even the involved parties can't understand the situation and look for solution, who else will?

What am I supposed to do now? I'm so tired of doing this alone. I don't want to end up getting hurt, I can't afford to be hurt again and again.

Please enlighten me.

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